No matter how much I'm in love with my job it's still bloody depressing to be expecting Monday in a few hours. Sob.

1. Last night I dreamt of the doomsday. As usual the dream was real and lengthy like hell, with every emotion and detail as vivid as a motion picture. I wish inventions like a "dream recorder" would come into being in the future so I could actually record my dreams and show it to you.

2. It must have been quite a while ago, I haven't had the time to write about it or think about it since then but I'm quite sure i did dream of you. I have even lost track of what happened there. Bit by bit the images of you are fading away through the fissures of my memory. It's been exactly two months. Even summer has slipped away too.

3. How utterly calming it is to take a long lazy Sunday nap in my little bed. Noiseless, dreamless, workless. I didn't even step out of the flat today. Laziness defeats stress, don't you think?

movie sunday.

Why do people enjoy this film so much? 

While watching I couldn't help but think what a selfish bitch she is ruining two men's lives at a time. It's not like the whole world revolves around her or what. 

I enjoy romantic comedies but shits like this is just too unrealistic and stupid to believe in. Being romantic is not about giving you everything you want and fulfilling whatever desire you have. It's about being honest and overcoming differences to get the love you deserve. In this case I don't think Melanie, the protagonist, deserves anything that goes so effortlessly into her hands. 

Usually chick flicks easily get you identify yourself as one of the protagonists but this one just doesn't work for me.

a lot like love.

jesus christ. you actually have the same voice as ashton kutcher. or he has the same voice as you? holy shit.

currently reading

〈鵲橋仙〉秦觀

纖雲弄巧，飛星傳恨，銀漢迢迢暗度。金風玉露一相逢，便勝卻人間無數。    柔情似水，佳期如夢，忍顧鵲橋歸路。兩情若是久長時，又豈在朝朝暮暮。

bleu.

《尋羊》

書看完了。熟悉的失落感，竟然能在週末的深夜給我帶來一份滿足，安全。超現實的故事讀來好像全然沒有任何意義，情節的發展之間說不上有任何邏輯，結局也沒有任何頭緒可言。讀的是賴明珠的台譯本，奇怪的是，一邊讀，一邊卻不期然的把文字譯回英語再理解，竟感覺，英語的表達，可能更接近原文的情感。有時候也會想，譯本這樣子寫，是村上春樹的初衷嗎。當中一定多了一點點，或少了一點點的甚麼。怎樣也好，夜了，是時候睡了。醒來以後，便得再找書看。悠長的四天假期呀。

那首歌

早上起來，一邊吃麥精泡南瓜籽 granola，一邊讀《尋羊冒險記》。妹的倉鼠也剛睡醒，它吃的倉鼠糧跟我吃的 cereal，看上去，竟然是一模一樣的。整理好家中堆積如山的報紙，晾乾了的衣物，玄關東歪西倒的鞋履。因為有我的收拾，屋子在週末是最整齊的，然後隨星期的萎靡而墮落，直至下個週末。將來有了自己的房子，情況也應該一樣。身體的肌肉在疼痛。後來又睡著了。醒了以後去看中醫，然後三姊妹去吃午飯，吃完以後下午都過了一半。回家煲苦茶，燙衣服，掏出數件秋衣，讀新一期的旅遊雜誌，上網，聽音樂，寫作，寄無聊的短訊，吃橘子。簡單的一天，很滿意。

i should always remind myself to be grateful, especially to those who see me when i'm invisible.

Dance with my father.

Before the summer holiday started I asked my S4 sweethearts to write two pieces of song reviews as part of their honeymoon homework. They had to pick two songs they like and share with me things they feel like sharing. Almost everyone of them handed in punctually (which, you know, is kind of a miracle). It's not until today when i finally had the time to go through the reviews one by one. Then I  dedicated the entire Friday night listening to the pieces of music they recommended on Youtube, one after another. 

Vicky wrote about "Dance With My Father", a song which I've never heard of: "When Luther Vandross was sever years old, his father died. This song is a gift to his mother, but it's also the last one... Celine Dion sang this song as a tribute a Luther Vandross. Celine Dion's father died just before she sang it." I love it, and I'm ashamed of my ignorance of such a great song. It reminds me of Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" which he wrote after his son's tragic death.

A song that made my night.

I barely write about it but I'm probably having the best time of my teaching career. It's my privilege to be their teacher. It just feels so good to be giving away your heart when someone is ready to take it, and loves you in return, for who you are.

what makes you different makes you beautiful.

angels in disguise.

i love my work. i feel as if i'm surrounded by angels who day by day shower me with springs of kindness and remind me of how the big word Love is still very much possible in such a flawed world. i've never been to heaven. yet i've already met the angels who disguise themselves as innocent adolescents just to get close to me. as i'm making a difference in them, they're too making a difference in me. 

《尋羊冒險記》

這星期疲憊不堪得，連說一句話的多餘力氣都缺乏。雙腿又酸又痛，眼睛又澀又累，腰背也是，從來沒如此苦，好像，原來身體始終也是會背叛自己的。

有好一兩個月沒看書，這是必須的潔淨的過程，思想才有足夠的空間，接受新讀的一切。

在讀村上春樹的《尋羊冒險記》。書買了很久，一直擱在書架，多次翻閱，看不到十來頁便廢棄了，感覺不對，也不勉強，因為書事跟情事一樣，時候不對，就是不對。也有好一段很長的時間沒看他的小說了。往往是，出於突然其來的意識，噯，今天，應該看村上，就像一覺醒來，忽然記得了早上要去超市買牛奶，那樣的感覺。他的小說，我只看一遍。重讀，需要太大的勇氣。勇氣並非面對他的故事，而是面對閱讀同時揭露的關於自身的種種。比如《挪威的森林》。沉重，是因為自己也有始終放不底的糾結。又如《國境之南，太陽之西》，那真是，太殘酷不堪的閱讀經歷。

諾貝爾不諾貝爾，其實可有可無。Milan Kundera 也失落諾貝爾，那又怎樣，他的故事，仍是驚天絕好的。村上的影響力，在諾獎以前，已是世界性的，不爭的事。

currently reading

於千萬人之中遇見你所要遇見的人
於千萬年之中
時間的無涯的荒野裏
沒有早一步
也沒有晚一步
剛巧趕上了

沒有別的話可說
惟有輕輕地問一聲：
「噢，你也在這裡？」

張愛玲

灣仔。

「灣仔，午夜，我他流連不去。灣仔是不夜的，可是十色的霓虹燈下，車道上只有零星交通，行人路上靜悄悄的，不比日裡，人滿為患。我想起張愛玲所說「太劇烈的快樂與太劇烈的悲哀是有相同之點的﹣同樣地需要遠離人群」，而我說不清，當下到底是「快樂」抑或「悲哀」。我說，我喜歡當下，安靜的灣仔，日溫終於散去，空氣也是清潔新淨的，深呼吸，沒有塵埃的氣味。街上，無目的地無盡處，走著走著，一股矛盾的氣氛，似是颱風來之前，山雨欲來的狀態，不知要把我們推開，還是把我們拉近。還是他先開口，要不是我已有伴，事情一定會不一樣的。我不知怎應對，便道，有些事情，也不到你選擇。也是我真心話。他便說，不是的，選擇，永遠在我們手上。」

時間。

一切都急於向前，前於崩壞，衰竭，止於寂滅。我無法往後退，退無去路，我無法往前，前亦是自我毀棄，何以展望將來。時間觀，觀時間。青春是，不見廬山真面目，只緣身在此山中。我意識到青春的開始之時，它正隱入沒落，當我感覺到它的衰敗，它已經，不存在了。 一如我的童年。我知道童年之為童年，我已離它，十萬丈遠。青春是時間，童年也是時間，剎那亦始亦終，不存不在。

開花結果

「綠葉戀愛時便成了花，花祟拜時便成了果實。」
﹣泰戈爾

onions.

i told my friends about my summer stories and their receptions and reactions are something curious to note. you keep friends around you and they keep you around them. but it's at moments of crisis when you finally realize how your values and beliefs and innermost self are compatible, or, sadly, contradict with one another.

shrek says that ogres are like onions. they have layers. people are like onions too. we put on layers and layers of shields and we provoke tears just to protect ourselves. when we express our true self we're literally coming out naked, exposing every flaw and weakness to the beholder. we put our pride and shame aside just to be understood and accepted and respected as who we really are, or who we want to be.

i owe my gratitude to those who not only spare me their ears, but also open their hearts and try to make sense of everything that doesn't make any sense. contradictions in beliefs and differences in perspectives are not fearful - individual minds are meant to be different - it's judging that is truly fatal. it certainly feels like being stabbed at the front and skinned alive. 

tin woodman

to the heart of the moon, if it has one
to the moon of the heart, if you know where it is
there was a time when the night is light
the light weightless.
there was a time when you and i were strangers
a nameless you, a nameless me.
we should never have exchanged names
they revealed too much of us.
yet i had nothing to offer you, but lazy hours
those thoughtless afternoons
they are worthless now.
what are you? are you careless, reckless,
or simply heartless?

「認識自己最好的方法，就是不抱任何希望地去愛一個人，包括你自己。」張懸。

love is the only way in. and whatever it takes, it's the only way out.

原來過得很快樂，只我一人未發覺。

子非魚，安知魚之傷悲。憑咩話人扮喊。

電影

一個人的時候，我看了好多電影。

游泳。

H，

要是你翻開今天的國際版，你便會讀到關於沉船意外的新聞。你一定會傷心，如我城每一個人，因為不久以前，你曾在此，就在那不幸的小島上。那可是，三十六個人的生命呀。電視新聞週而復始的播著海難的新聞，有一個女人，說著說著哭起來了，用紙巾拭淚，每次我都禁不住流淚。我覺得，當下我竟然還在活著，是一種絕大的虧欠，是對他人的不公平。

我想起你游泳後，在海灘上對我說，在我的地方，小孩子五歲前便學會游泳了。你一定要懂得，有一天你的孩子遇溺，你不去救他，誰去？我回答，那我定會訓練孩子成游泳好手，因為有一天他母親遇溺了，他不去救，誰會？你拿我沒法，便笑笑作罷。H，我沒告訴你，我不是不會，我是害怕。世上最令人恐懼的是恐懼本身，而有些恐懼，到了某年紀如我，要克服，已經太遲了。

所以，H，假如我在那艘船上，我知道，我必死無疑。但最可怕的並非死亡，而是要獨自面對死亡的過程。當掉落那黑暗無底的海裡，不會游泳，只好掙扎，但愈掙扎，便下沉得愈快，那種驚慌，那種無助。想起那可怕的死亡數字，便想起，你我的戲言。我心如刀割。

今天還是晴天，足以證實，天氣是並沒有任何良心，道德，之如此類的界線。

I

悲從中來。為何一些人的生命可以無緣無故無聲無息地消失？